RESIGN-HATE-TION
Today, the Grand Dandy Diaper Dickhead Daddy of Sugarland, Texas, Heartless, Hate-Drenched, Hell-Bound Hammer, Homo-Baiting, House-Berating, Ethical Evacuation Evangelical Encrusted Enema known as Tom DeLay (R-Hate Diaper) announced that he will be resigning from the United States House of Representatives, by, at the latest, mid-June, and, possibly earlier (if, of course, even further embarrassing news about him comes to light between now and then).
For over twelve years, DeLay has ruled the House with an iron fistula, keeping rank-and-piles Republicans in line with terroristic threats (or as he prefers to call it, breathing), strong-arm tactics and bullying (or, as he prefers to call it, missionary work). That's all gone now. And, as Tim Rice said, "As soon as the smoke from the funeral clears, we're all gonna see... and how... he did nothing for years!" (actually, who doesn't know that already?)
But, as tempting as it is to mock the plight of this walking fright, I find it hard not to generate some tears. For, anyone who claims that liberal Democrats who hate Jesus Christ and respect our system of courts forced his resignation is indeed deserving of pity. Now, I know, you're thinking that Jesus would not have called out the FAA to force a Texas Democratic delegation camping out in a neighboring state in protest of DeLay's redistricting scheme, but maybe DeLay is on to something when he claims his actions are Christ-like - maybe Christ would have forced those poor Dems back on to Texas land by walking them across water.
And DeLay is to further be pitied because so many of his other behaviors - especially his persecution complex - is so Christ-like as well.
Don't forget, too, that DeLay, like Christ, is a pacifist. When DeLay was asked why he didn't serve in Vietnam, he said, "Too many minorities were being drafted, so there were no opportunities for patriotic folks (and John Kerry and John McCain) like myself to volunteer." I mean, this man wouldn't even pick up a gun! (Except at an NRA photo shoot).
DeLay's compassion for the poor becomes all the more enlightened when viewed in the context of this selfless pacifism. After all, it was DeLay, who at the outset of the Iraq war, said, channeling the brilliant strategists Sun Tzu and Von Clausewitz, "There is nothing more important during war... than cutting taxes (for rich people)," and it was DeLay who once said, "I am so sick about hearing about poor people" when Congress was discussing whether to increase the Pentagon budget. DeLay, like Christ himself, indeed works in mysteriously beneficent ways.
And what is most impressive about this canonic creature is his insistence upon taking the old Biblical saw, "what you do unto your neighbor, you do unto me." Who could forget how DeLay pricelessly described the removal of Terri Schiavo's feeding tube as an act of "medical terrorism," especially when he removed his own father from life support fifteen years earlier? And his Sermon on the Mount directed toward the black-robed menaces: "The time will come when the men responsible for this will pay." We are at Armageddon, and we stand ready to do battle for the Lord, Tommy Boy (no matter what we normally think of states' rights, judicial activism and family values).
I can understand why people will miss TomDeLay so. He just wanted a return to simpler times. Biblical times without the bible to guide them. I'll miss you, Tom. Hate like yours comes along.... but once in a Republican lifetime.
For over twelve years, DeLay has ruled the House with an iron fistula, keeping rank-and-piles Republicans in line with terroristic threats (or as he prefers to call it, breathing), strong-arm tactics and bullying (or, as he prefers to call it, missionary work). That's all gone now. And, as Tim Rice said, "As soon as the smoke from the funeral clears, we're all gonna see... and how... he did nothing for years!" (actually, who doesn't know that already?)
But, as tempting as it is to mock the plight of this walking fright, I find it hard not to generate some tears. For, anyone who claims that liberal Democrats who hate Jesus Christ and respect our system of courts forced his resignation is indeed deserving of pity. Now, I know, you're thinking that Jesus would not have called out the FAA to force a Texas Democratic delegation camping out in a neighboring state in protest of DeLay's redistricting scheme, but maybe DeLay is on to something when he claims his actions are Christ-like - maybe Christ would have forced those poor Dems back on to Texas land by walking them across water.
And DeLay is to further be pitied because so many of his other behaviors - especially his persecution complex - is so Christ-like as well.
Don't forget, too, that DeLay, like Christ, is a pacifist. When DeLay was asked why he didn't serve in Vietnam, he said, "Too many minorities were being drafted, so there were no opportunities for patriotic folks (and John Kerry and John McCain) like myself to volunteer." I mean, this man wouldn't even pick up a gun! (Except at an NRA photo shoot).
DeLay's compassion for the poor becomes all the more enlightened when viewed in the context of this selfless pacifism. After all, it was DeLay, who at the outset of the Iraq war, said, channeling the brilliant strategists Sun Tzu and Von Clausewitz, "There is nothing more important during war... than cutting taxes (for rich people)," and it was DeLay who once said, "I am so sick about hearing about poor people" when Congress was discussing whether to increase the Pentagon budget. DeLay, like Christ himself, indeed works in mysteriously beneficent ways.
And what is most impressive about this canonic creature is his insistence upon taking the old Biblical saw, "what you do unto your neighbor, you do unto me." Who could forget how DeLay pricelessly described the removal of Terri Schiavo's feeding tube as an act of "medical terrorism," especially when he removed his own father from life support fifteen years earlier? And his Sermon on the Mount directed toward the black-robed menaces: "The time will come when the men responsible for this will pay." We are at Armageddon, and we stand ready to do battle for the Lord, Tommy Boy (no matter what we normally think of states' rights, judicial activism and family values).
I can understand why people will miss TomDeLay so. He just wanted a return to simpler times. Biblical times without the bible to guide them. I'll miss you, Tom. Hate like yours comes along.... but once in a Republican lifetime.
posted by EnterCenter at 12:12 PM
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