IRANIAN BEAUTY CONTEST
The other night, I was having the strangest dream. I was watching (from a safe distance, thankfully) an Iranian beauty contest. As I said, it was a dream (in reality, no such contest could exist. While women are treated as objects in Iran, and are degraded and humiliated, just as are women who participate in certain beauty pageants elsewhere, how can one judge a beauty contest where, as in Iran, one is forbidden to see the contestants' faces?!?!) - I could, indeed, see the actual contestants' faces!
Suddenly, the announcer (who spoke English, blissfully, for my convenience, introduced me to the scene, thus tipping me off to the fact that I was watching a pageant. He said, "And now, your Master of Ceremonies for the Miss Iran 2006 Beauty Pageant, the mook who really wants a nook, the half-stubble who's nothing but trouble, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad!" (Cheers, gunfire)
My memory of the subsequent details of the event, especially the swimsuit competition - were somewhat hasty. I remember several women swimming in a pool full of giant oil, with Mahmoud barking at them, "You fools! Swim harder! You're not soaking up the true value of that oil! The West sees this and is laughing at us! Allah is definitely NOT Akhbar, as far as you swine are concerned!"
Finally, the piece de resistance came. Only five contestants remained, the blood of the eliminated contestants having been neatly mopped off the floor by illegal Sikhs and other infidels. President Ahmadinejad conducted the proceedings from this point.
"So, contestant A, if there is one thing in the whole world you want, what would that be?"
Contestant A: "The destruction of Israel. To wipe Israel off the map."
President: "Actually, that's two things, but I'll forgive the cheating because I was doubly titillated. Great answer!"
"Contestant B, what is your long-term goal in life?"
"To see Israel driven into the sea. By the way, if it is driven into the sea, ir can't simultaneously be wiped off the map. Put another way, if we wipe if off the map, it's gone - it's no longer left to be driven into the sea."
"So what are you saying - that we should not drive Israel into the sea?"
"No."
"No, we shouldn't?"
"Yes. I mean, yes, we should."
"And should we wipe it off the map as well?????"
"Ummm, yes."
"That hesitation in your voice.... You are a filthy Jew lover. Get out of my sight!"
"Contestant C, if a genie from one of those despicable, caricatured stories that paints Persians as bloodthirsty savages came to you, and granted you one wish, what would you wish for?"
"To wipe Israel into the sea, to drive it off the map, to wipe it off the map, AND to drive it into the sea!"
"Wow, I had not even heard of some of those options. You have a creative mind, for a female. But, a female you are. You intimidate me. Leave us!"
"Contestant D, if Allah himself - blessed be his name, descended from heaven - somehow managing to avoid stepping in the scum-stained camel carcasses we have devoured in his name - and asked you what your one wish in life would be, what would you say?"
"To wipe Israel off the map, and to drive it into the sea."
"Perfect. You're sure you're Iranian, right?"
"Oh, you can pre-empt me any time if you're unsure!"
"How dare you mock the divinely anointed President! Out of my sight!"
"Contestant E: Your one wish?"
"Harsher sentences for parole violaters, Mahmoud." (Hat tip: Miss Cogeniality)
(Collective gasps and screams from audiences)
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!!!"
"And to drive Israel into the sea!"
At this point, I woke up, and realized something: Iran will never hold beauty pageants. It's just too difficult. Some things were never meant to be. Actually, it was at this point that I THOUGHT I woke up. It wasn't until I saw the Iranian president's head, superimposed over Slim Pickens' body, riding a nuclear missile down into the beauty pageant auditorium singing "Until we meet again" that my exceedingly fascinating dream had come to an end.
THE END
Suddenly, the announcer (who spoke English, blissfully, for my convenience, introduced me to the scene, thus tipping me off to the fact that I was watching a pageant. He said, "And now, your Master of Ceremonies for the Miss Iran 2006 Beauty Pageant, the mook who really wants a nook, the half-stubble who's nothing but trouble, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad!" (Cheers, gunfire)
My memory of the subsequent details of the event, especially the swimsuit competition - were somewhat hasty. I remember several women swimming in a pool full of giant oil, with Mahmoud barking at them, "You fools! Swim harder! You're not soaking up the true value of that oil! The West sees this and is laughing at us! Allah is definitely NOT Akhbar, as far as you swine are concerned!"
Finally, the piece de resistance came. Only five contestants remained, the blood of the eliminated contestants having been neatly mopped off the floor by illegal Sikhs and other infidels. President Ahmadinejad conducted the proceedings from this point.
"So, contestant A, if there is one thing in the whole world you want, what would that be?"
Contestant A: "The destruction of Israel. To wipe Israel off the map."
President: "Actually, that's two things, but I'll forgive the cheating because I was doubly titillated. Great answer!"
"Contestant B, what is your long-term goal in life?"
"To see Israel driven into the sea. By the way, if it is driven into the sea, ir can't simultaneously be wiped off the map. Put another way, if we wipe if off the map, it's gone - it's no longer left to be driven into the sea."
"So what are you saying - that we should not drive Israel into the sea?"
"No."
"No, we shouldn't?"
"Yes. I mean, yes, we should."
"And should we wipe it off the map as well?????"
"Ummm, yes."
"That hesitation in your voice.... You are a filthy Jew lover. Get out of my sight!"
"Contestant C, if a genie from one of those despicable, caricatured stories that paints Persians as bloodthirsty savages came to you, and granted you one wish, what would you wish for?"
"To wipe Israel into the sea, to drive it off the map, to wipe it off the map, AND to drive it into the sea!"
"Wow, I had not even heard of some of those options. You have a creative mind, for a female. But, a female you are. You intimidate me. Leave us!"
"Contestant D, if Allah himself - blessed be his name, descended from heaven - somehow managing to avoid stepping in the scum-stained camel carcasses we have devoured in his name - and asked you what your one wish in life would be, what would you say?"
"To wipe Israel off the map, and to drive it into the sea."
"Perfect. You're sure you're Iranian, right?"
"Oh, you can pre-empt me any time if you're unsure!"
"How dare you mock the divinely anointed President! Out of my sight!"
"Contestant E: Your one wish?"
"Harsher sentences for parole violaters, Mahmoud." (Hat tip: Miss Cogeniality)
(Collective gasps and screams from audiences)
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!!!"
"And to drive Israel into the sea!"
At this point, I woke up, and realized something: Iran will never hold beauty pageants. It's just too difficult. Some things were never meant to be. Actually, it was at this point that I THOUGHT I woke up. It wasn't until I saw the Iranian president's head, superimposed over Slim Pickens' body, riding a nuclear missile down into the beauty pageant auditorium singing "Until we meet again" that my exceedingly fascinating dream had come to an end.
THE END
posted by EnterCenter at 8:10 PM
2 Comments:
You have funny dreams. The sad thing is that this dream really does highlight the mentality of extremists.
By the way, did I mention that this year's pageant was sponsored by "Iranians for a Nuclear way?": "We have a vision... of brighter days ahead." (cue to image of nuclear mushroom cloud in background).
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